I try SO hard.
But I'm just not big enough.
I reached a wall of discouragement yesterday. The kind that hit me like a ton of bricks and I wanted to just curl up on the floor and cry/ go on a long hard run. Does that make sense? Well, it's where I was at.
After a discouraging verbal beat-down from a family member, I was once again reminded how "not enough" I am. (Can we just be real for a sec without pointing fingers- in all of the "mean" people I have encountered, nobody can be meaner than those closest to you. PS this is not a story about my husband.)
Truly, most people struggle with that "not enough" feeling enough in their lives. But when someone straight up bashes you for an area that needs work- and the truth is not spoken in love, my raw weakness is far too exposed.
And then there is my husband. Have I mentioned how next to Jesus, he is my greatest rescuer? Speaking truth in love and building me up when I am down, even if he is down too. Ugh, I love that man.
So here is the battle of my heart/ mind/ purpose.
Why in the world do we think we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry, raising support. Who would ever want to support these two broken, inadequate, not "enough" people???
I mean really, we aren't perfect. I have such a great hope and purpose in Christ that am confident in who I am and with my life... most of the time. (Not yesterday) And the other truth is, we don't think that we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry. We are driven by our passion and our desire for God.
In my brokenness I am reminded of why we do what we do. Jeremy Camp wrote a song called "My Desire" It beautifully plays out my heart in song. My desire is to be used by God.
This all started when I was 12 years old and I felt God's call on my life to live for Him, serving Him. I thought that maybe one day that would mean going overseas. Never once would I even allow myself to think it would be right here, where I grew up.
This guy Paul wrote to some of his friends telling them that none of us are good enough, we all mess up but because of Jesus' grace, we are redeemed. (Romans 3:23-24) That is some good stuff. And this is the Gospel I strive to live, breathing in and out the truths of the Gospel so that the lies (the ones I tell myself, the ones others tell me) have no leverage in my life.
I cling to this truth, and others daily. Being refreshed by spending time in the Word while my little girl naps each morning. Write key verses out on an index card to remind me of the HOPE I have in Christ.
No I'm not good enough. And I never will be. Each day I am being refined by Christ because I allow Him to work in my life.
Can we end this with a little prayer? Is that weird to write out a prayer on a blog? I have no idea who is reading this or where your heart is at.
Father, Thank you for the sunshine today. Thank you for the beautiful Book You have given me, all the letters, stories and truths for me to cling to- the Bible. Without You, I have no hope. Without Your Word, I don't know how I would pick my weepy self off the floor, or what I would meditate on during a run. Thank you for my husband who is a walking example of Your love. And my little girl, she radiates Joy. I need You, I desire You, I can't get over hurts and pain that people cause without You. I wouldn't feel this passion and desire to live my life the way I do without You. Can you remind me that every day, please? Thanks for loving me when I get angry, act and think in ways that don't make You proud. Thank You for my life, each breath, my family (even when it hurts) and my health. I have so much more to tell you, plead with you, thank you for, but I'll chat more with you later. Prob in like 5 mins. Thanks for always being there. My rock. My shelter. My redeemer. I love you. Amen.
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