Not Big Enough

I'm just not.
I try SO hard.
But I'm just not big enough.
I reached a wall of discouragement yesterday. The kind that hit me like a ton of bricks and I wanted to just curl up on the floor and cry/ go on a long hard run. Does that make sense? Well, it's where I was at.

After a discouraging verbal beat-down from a family member, I was once again reminded how "not enough" I am. (Can we just be real for a sec without pointing fingers- in all of the "mean" people I have encountered, nobody can be meaner than those closest to you. PS this is not a story about my husband.)

Truly, most people struggle with that "not enough" feeling enough in their lives. But when someone straight up bashes you for an area that needs work- and the truth is not spoken in love, my raw weakness is far too exposed.

And then there is my husband. Have I mentioned how next to Jesus, he is my greatest rescuer? Speaking truth in love and building me up when I am down, even if he is down too. Ugh, I love that man.

So here is the battle of my heart/ mind/ purpose.
Why in the world do we think we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry, raising support. Who would ever want to support these two broken, inadequate, not "enough" people??? 

I mean really, we aren't perfect. I have such a great hope and purpose in Christ that am confident in who I am and with my life... most of the time. (Not yesterday) And the other truth is, we don't think that we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry. We are driven by our passion and our desire for God. 

In my brokenness I am reminded of why we do what we do. Jeremy Camp wrote a song called "My Desire" It beautifully plays out my heart in song. My desire is to be used by God.
This all started when I was 12 years old and I felt God's call on my life to live for Him, serving Him. I thought that maybe one day that would mean going overseas. Never once would I even allow myself to think it would be right here, where I grew up.

This guy Paul wrote to some of his friends telling them that none of us are good enough, we all mess up but because of Jesus' grace, we are redeemed. (Romans 3:23-24) That is some good stuff. And this is the Gospel I strive to live, breathing in and out the truths of the Gospel so that the lies (the ones I tell myself, the ones others tell me) have no leverage in my life.

I cling to this truth, and others daily. Being refreshed by spending time in the Word while my little girl naps each morning. Write key verses out on an index card to remind me of the HOPE I have in Christ.

No I'm not good enough. And I never will be. Each day I am being refined by Christ because I allow Him to work in my life.

 This picture has nothing to do with the post, but I just wanted to share how amazing my little family is. My husband is wearing Abi on his back in the Moby while he picks apart the chicken for me. Love these two people more than I ever thought possible. I can't understand how Jesus loves me even more than I love them.

Can we end this with a little prayer? Is that weird to write out a prayer on a blog? I have no idea who is reading this or where your heart is at.

Father, Thank you for the sunshine today. Thank you for the beautiful Book You have given me, all the letters, stories and truths for me to cling to- the Bible. Without You, I have no hope. Without Your Word, I don't know how I would pick my weepy self off the floor, or what I would meditate on during a run. Thank you for my husband who is a walking example of Your love. And my little girl, she radiates Joy. I need You, I desire You, I can't get over hurts and pain that people cause without You. I wouldn't feel this passion and desire to live my life the way I do without You. Can you remind me that every day, please? Thanks for loving me when I get angry, act and think in ways that don't make You proud. Thank You for my life, each breath, my family (even when it hurts) and my health. I have so much more to tell you, plead with you, thank you for, but I'll chat more with you later. Prob in like 5 mins. Thanks for always being there. My rock. My shelter. My redeemer. I love you. Amen.

Silent Celtic Retreat

    This past weekend I participated in a Silent Celtic Retreat up at a very-familiar-to-me camp in New Hampshire.

    It was a very long day. Not in the sense that it was long and dull, or quiet. The whole event was not in fact silent. Just most/ parts of it. Anyone who interacts with people on a daily basis would appreciate this much needed silence.

    I longed for this weekend like non other. I desperately wanted to venture out into the snow and just enjoy the silence that the crisp winter mountain air can bring.

    While out on snowshoes hiking some trails in the woods, then eventually around the inner perimeter of a lake, I asked God if I could hear Him speak to me. This was my day of silence. My beautiful, freshly-fallen-snow venture through the woods. Nothing could be more peaceful to me. I wanted to hear God. Not audibly, though I wouldn’t have objected. I just wanted that whisper in my heart that was undeniably from Him.

    My journey out on snowshoes started in the mid-afternoon. I was on a quest to meet with God. I was charging through the snow until I finally came to the lake, about halfway through my journey. Up until that point, my time had been going by rather slowly out on those snowshoes. I reached the lake, out of breath and rather haulin it up to that point. I finally sat down in the snow. Right there. Just made myself a little snow-seat. Oh man was that beautiful. I can’t recall my thoughts that I had, or the talk I was having with my Creator, I just remember being in awe of the beauty around me.

    I finally realized that I had been there for quite a while and the sun was starting to set. I pushed myself up and ate a handful of snow. Fresh snow. I didn’t feel dirty eating it! Coming from the city, this is not what I would do at home. I don’t care how fresh it is. I feel like it gets contaminated just falling from the sky into our polluted air. Being up in the mountains, it just seemed so fresh and clean.

    The rest of my journey back up to the camp flew by. I stopped, looked back, and was surprised by how fast time was going yet how much slower I was walking. Just as the camp was in view, my heart grew heavy and sad. I didn’t want this to end. I wanted to trek all around and not go back. I was so happy and content out there on my snowshoes.


   
    What a story of my life. I set out on a journey at full-force, ready to conquer. I get burnt out quickly and realize it before I give up. I stop. Sit with God. Talk with Him. Rest. Refocus. Praise Him. Then continue on to the end. All the while I keep looking back at my resting point. Keep my focus both on where I came from and what is up ahead. And by the end of my task, when I know it is coming to an end… This journey I was fed up with and wished it were over when I was only half way through…I don’t want it to end. I have found such a peace, such a purpose in where I am. After all of that hard work, I am not exhausted. Rather, I am revitalized.

    How good is our God who gives us the strength to carry on when we don’t have it? How beautiful is our journey in life when we stop. Look around. Take it ALL in. Praise Him. Rest. And keep moving forward.

    I didn’t hear God that day. No booming audible voice. No quiet whisper. What I did do is take the time to refresh and open my heart to Him. Evaluate my heart and do a check- am I making daily effort to spend time in His word, in prayer, praising Him, seeking Him, worshiping Him with my life? Am I trusting Him in the little every day things as well as the big- where our family should go- things? What are my motives in what I am doing with my life? Am I believing the Gospel message more every day and living it out as evidence to those around me? Am I anticipating hearing from God, making time for quiet and solitude during the day and keeping my heart focused on Him in the busyness as well?

    Just 5 hours later I found myself back home, driving through the city to hear my husband speak on how he hears from God. Funny huh? Ironic. No. Divine. I was reaffirmed that night through my husbands words as he spoke to a group of about 90 teenagers that hearing from God isn’t always experienced by getting a feeling in your stomach, shivers down your arms, hearing His voice audibly or getting a word from someone around you. Sometimes, God speaks into your life just by the way you are living it for Him, trusting Him and having faith. Looking back on your journey, you see evidence of God marking your trails all up. Looking ahead, you have the hope to carry you through. And in the here, the now, this very moment, you have the hope and the truths of the Gospel to live out.

    So on my Silent Celtic Retreat, God showed me where I could find Him. Right here. Right now. When I was sitting on the lake, He was there. As I listened to my husband preach, God was right there. With Craig. With me. As I type right now, He is also right here. It’s a lot easier to hear from someone when you acknowledge that they are right there with you.

    Where are you right now? Where is your Creator? Your redeemer. He is alive and eagerly anticipating you to call on Him.