So will I

There are times when I become acutely aware of my own selfishness. Parenting often brings those "teachable" moments out of me.

Last Thursday, I was reluctant to bring my daughter to her pottery class. My husband had been home for 24 hour post-op and I knew it was safe to leave him. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and just didn't want to go anywhere. To magnify my reluctance in bringing her, she was not trying her best in this new class.

I walked into the downtown city library, right next to the arts center, returning books and checking out the DVD selection for my laid up husband. While I perused the vast, but hopelessly dull shelves of DVD's, a group of three people sat down at the table behind me.

My ears tuned in when I heard the blend of feminine but masculine voices talking in hesitation. "So, what can I expect when I go to jail?... Are the doors bars, or are they solid?... Do we have to stay in our rooms the whole day, or is there a common room to read or watch TV.. Oh, it's not like what I've seen on TV at all..." 

 I could hear the other person hesitate as they answered the questions from their own experience. Concluding with "But you get 3 meals a day and a clean bed to sleep in."Trying to sound optimistic.

I turned around to see the two people talking to be men, dressed as women, wigs, false lashes and all. Oh, the ache in my heart!

My head was spinning from all that had happened that week. "But you have hope..." I felt the Lord whisper to my heart. The ache magnified. The conversation I just overheard sounded grim, yet here I am, just a few feet away, and I have hope.

I moved farther away, trying to clear my thoughts and the ache leading me to them. As I looked through the selection on the shelves more, I felt a nudge on the right side of my leg. I looked down to see nothing, but feeling the pressure just the same. I looked to my left, where they sat gathered at the table, just looking down and not saying anything.

I knew what I needed to do, but I felt so inadequate. My head has been spinning and I don't know if I can even form a coherent sentence. I have nothing to say to them. "They are loved!" The ache in me pushed me toward them and suddenly, I stood next to the table with three pairs of eyes lined in heavy makeup peering at me. Before I knew what I was doing I blurted out, "Hi, my name is Karissa. I'm kind of going through a lot right now in my own life, and I don't know fully what you are going through, but I felt certain that I needed to come over here and just say hello and to tell you that you are loved. I wish I had more to say, but my head is spinning right now and I felt like you needed to know that you are loved."

I didn't know what to do next. I felt so unprepared. They looked at me with sweet smiles. I was not expecting that. No eye brows raised. No laughing at me. No yelling. I cleared my throat, "what are your names?" I had no energy or emotion to continue talking, but I wanted to do something that was personal, restored their dignity and reflected their individual humanity. "I know my people by name..." my soul heard a whisper.

"I'm Rachel." One responded proudly.
"I'm Selah." Another replied.
"Hmm, Selah doesn't that mean praise?" I asked
"Yes" she responded proudly.
"How appropriate." I smiled. "Praise."

"It's very nice to meet you. Have a good day." I smiled and walked away. Because if this wasn't awkward and unusual enough, let's end on introductions... This is a true story.

As I walked away I overheard one of them say, "That was so sweet of her coming over here." Another responded with "Yeah, I really needed to hear that today."

I felt so empty, I had nothing left to give. Of all times, the Lord was prompting me to be an extension of His love. To simply obey His leading and walk in faith. It was uncomfortable but the only thing I had to lose was my own pride. In my weakness, I still know that I am deeply loved by my Heavenly Father. That is such a gift of grace to cling to during this time! I did nothing to deserve His great love for me. So when I had nothing left to give, no wise words or energy to even think a clear thought, the one thing I could articulate was You are loved! And I pray that the Holy Spirit will work where I left off, in my own weakness.

Several minutes later, I threw open my yoga mat in the far corner of the park seperating the library from the arts center. The day before, as I sat in the waiting room while my husband underwent surgery to have his achilles tendon reattached, I poured over Isaiah 43. While I stretched out on my mat, taking in my peaceful, joyful surroundings, words from Isaiah 43:1-13 filled me and these words from a song became my song of worship, right there on my yoga mat in the downtown city park, while my daughter was in pottery class.

If the stars were made to worship so will I

If the mountains bow in reverence so will I

If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I

For if everything exists to lift You high so will I

If the wind goes where You send it so will I

If the rocks cry out in silence so will I

If the sum of all our praises still falls shy

Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times