Butterflies, Bees, Bookbinding & Buoyancy

Butterflies + Bees + Bookbinding + Buoyancy

Museum of Life and Science- Magic Wings Butterfly House

Bayer Bee Care Center

Burt's Bees hive observation- Bee Downtown Durham

I didn't mean for our summer study elements to all start with the letter "B" 

I'm heading into my third year of homeschooling, first year of homeschooling two kids at once, and these past two years have looked so different. Each kid is different. Seasons of our lives change, and homeschooling allows that to be "okay" in our family. 

Ever since I was a little girl (growing up all my education in public school, mind you) I imagined homeschooling... my dozen adopted children in the African jungle. No joke. I clung to this idea for about half my life.

My oldest went to full day public school in a small town for her Kindergarten year. My youngest went to a private Christian preschool 3 half days a week.
Both of those situations worked for us.
I don't have a map to our lives telling us what it will look like in  the years to come, but right now, I'm treating these moments like they just might be our last.
I need to view it that way because when I started out homeschooling our oldest child for preschool, I hated it. Honestly, I resented her.  I was consumed with dreading the next too many years that I would be "stuck" homeschooling her. We were in a really tough spot with her and homeschooling was not a good fit for us at that time. 

One night, I remember getting a babysitter and driving home from a Kindergarten interest meeting. I have never had my stubborn head so quickly turned like it did that night. I called my husband afterward and told him with full certainty that sending our daughter to Kindergarten was the absolute best thing we could do for her. 

And you know what? I was so right.

I was right that I couldn't handle homeschooling her then. 

I was right that we BOTH needed a break from each other.

And I was wrong.

I was wrong to say that I would only home school.

I was wrong to say that home schooling is always what it best. 

I could never have anticipated what that school year would bring- 

• Caring for a premature baby before the sun came up while her Mom went to the methadone clinic. 
• Advocating and preparing a room in our home for children we had hoped to rescue from a desperate situation. And you know that my Mom heart was already imagining them as "mine."
• Loosing two people I care about suddenly and one quite tragically. It was my first time having to deal with loss through death.
• Finding out we suddenly needed to find a new 501c3 to partner our ministry with... and losing half of our month support in the process.
• Opening our home to a single Mom and her special needs son for several weeks, and my son not getting along with him.

...That was all before Christmas during my daughters Kindergarten year.

It continued with our entire septic system needing to be replaced. We had drilled a new well just a year and a half before that. Our mortgage doubled because of these two major expenses. 

Finishing remolding our 200 (yes-  TWO HUNDRED) year old house consumed our Spring.

My friend lost her battle to cancer, orphaning her 8 year old son. 

That school year brought more grief and heartache, wave after wave, than ever before. And I couldn't imagine going through all of that if I had my oldest daughter home with me. 

Early mornings in the fall were spent holding a tiny precious babe that I desperately wanted but knew I could not keep. The winter brought long gloomy days and a feeling of shock. The Spring reminded me of new life and in the isolation of a locked bathroom door, I would weep over loss. When we closed on our house, driving in our RV west to kick off a summer of touring, I wept bitter tears for all the heartache that house held the past year. 

Cheers to you parents, for parenting. 

For those of you who keep on keeping on, even in the thick of it.

To the single Mom's.

To the parents who are separated or divorced.

To the adoptive and foster parents. 

To the parents in full-time ministry

To the entrepreneurs.

To the parents who are also students.
To the parent whose spouse is deployed.
To the working parent.

This isn't easy and it doesn't look like what we imagined it would, does it?
I didn't expect to be working outside the home and homeschooling my kids in this next season. I didn't expect our summer to be so... uncertain, this place of waiting we are in while my husband recovers from surgery and we take next steps forward in our life, in a very different direction.

But in the midst of these changing seasons, my own insecurities, loss and slow progress, I think about those bees and butterflies we learned about this summer.
In the Bible, Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus points out how great the Father's care is- that even the birds and the grass are tended to by Him.

Sometimes... sometimes I need to remember to stop trying so hard. I can be desperate to have something to show for my hard work, evidence to prove my worth. As a Mom, a teacher, a provider, in ministry. It is in my weakest and most vulnerable of times that I need to remember His great love for me and if I truly believe with all of my heart that He is the God of the Universe, then why am I trying so hard? Every day, He provides. Each breath I breathe, these moments I store up in my heart, every bit of money and possession we own, all food and clothing. It is all provision and a gift from my Heavenly Father. We have witnessed this in very tangible ways, and too quickly I forget. Every gift comes from Him.

I want to delight in this more regularly, remembering it when I see the bees and butterflies. I want to find joy in the mystery of it all, like my 5 year old son grasping bits of the concept of buoyancy and the fascination my daughter found in learning how books were first made and bound. I want to be like those books. The process of cutting, pressing, gluing, stitching. Every step I can feel. But the end result? A story worth being written, opened, and shared.