Not Big Enough

I'm just not.
I try SO hard.
But I'm just not big enough.
I reached a wall of discouragement yesterday. The kind that hit me like a ton of bricks and I wanted to just curl up on the floor and cry/ go on a long hard run. Does that make sense? Well, it's where I was at.

After a discouraging verbal beat-down from a family member, I was once again reminded how "not enough" I am. (Can we just be real for a sec without pointing fingers- in all of the "mean" people I have encountered, nobody can be meaner than those closest to you. PS this is not a story about my husband.)

Truly, most people struggle with that "not enough" feeling enough in their lives. But when someone straight up bashes you for an area that needs work- and the truth is not spoken in love, my raw weakness is far too exposed.

And then there is my husband. Have I mentioned how next to Jesus, he is my greatest rescuer? Speaking truth in love and building me up when I am down, even if he is down too. Ugh, I love that man.

So here is the battle of my heart/ mind/ purpose.
Why in the world do we think we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry, raising support. Who would ever want to support these two broken, inadequate, not "enough" people??? 

I mean really, we aren't perfect. I have such a great hope and purpose in Christ that am confident in who I am and with my life... most of the time. (Not yesterday) And the other truth is, we don't think that we are "good enough" to pursue full-time ministry. We are driven by our passion and our desire for God. 

In my brokenness I am reminded of why we do what we do. Jeremy Camp wrote a song called "My Desire" It beautifully plays out my heart in song. My desire is to be used by God.
This all started when I was 12 years old and I felt God's call on my life to live for Him, serving Him. I thought that maybe one day that would mean going overseas. Never once would I even allow myself to think it would be right here, where I grew up.

This guy Paul wrote to some of his friends telling them that none of us are good enough, we all mess up but because of Jesus' grace, we are redeemed. (Romans 3:23-24) That is some good stuff. And this is the Gospel I strive to live, breathing in and out the truths of the Gospel so that the lies (the ones I tell myself, the ones others tell me) have no leverage in my life.

I cling to this truth, and others daily. Being refreshed by spending time in the Word while my little girl naps each morning. Write key verses out on an index card to remind me of the HOPE I have in Christ.

No I'm not good enough. And I never will be. Each day I am being refined by Christ because I allow Him to work in my life.

 This picture has nothing to do with the post, but I just wanted to share how amazing my little family is. My husband is wearing Abi on his back in the Moby while he picks apart the chicken for me. Love these two people more than I ever thought possible. I can't understand how Jesus loves me even more than I love them.

Can we end this with a little prayer? Is that weird to write out a prayer on a blog? I have no idea who is reading this or where your heart is at.

Father, Thank you for the sunshine today. Thank you for the beautiful Book You have given me, all the letters, stories and truths for me to cling to- the Bible. Without You, I have no hope. Without Your Word, I don't know how I would pick my weepy self off the floor, or what I would meditate on during a run. Thank you for my husband who is a walking example of Your love. And my little girl, she radiates Joy. I need You, I desire You, I can't get over hurts and pain that people cause without You. I wouldn't feel this passion and desire to live my life the way I do without You. Can you remind me that every day, please? Thanks for loving me when I get angry, act and think in ways that don't make You proud. Thank You for my life, each breath, my family (even when it hurts) and my health. I have so much more to tell you, plead with you, thank you for, but I'll chat more with you later. Prob in like 5 mins. Thanks for always being there. My rock. My shelter. My redeemer. I love you. Amen.

Big Thangs

Some BIG thangs are happening around here.

Not necessarily changes for us. But changes around us.

And I have to say, I love me some routine.

So my hubs and I are really close with this other couple our age. We actually see each other a few times a week. And it rocks my socks off. I loooove community.

Well, they are moving to South Carolina. Next week. 

It's a weird emotion when you are so excited for someone and sad they are leaving at the same time.

I have had to conciously decide to not be selfish and wallow in what I am losing, but to REJOICE in this opportunity for them. 

Did I mention that I have known this friend since we were 10? Yeah, she isn't going anywhere on the friends list. Just the country. 

But get this quirkiness- 

my sister/ best friend/ Andrea and her 3 CHILDREN are moving here that SAME week our friends leave. My beloved Andy-Bear is trekking up from Georgia with her hubby, 3 kids and dog. Phew! (Pray for their journey, yeah?) They will be here for 6-18 months while her husband finishes up some schooling with the Army. 

So on the one hand, my friend that I hang out with the most is moving, but at the same time, my sister is moving her. I NEVER thought I would have the chance to be near my sister for more than 2 weeks at a time. With her being a military wife and us living in New Hampshire, it was pretty much never going  to happen. 

We are going to have pictures of Abigail with her cousins that span over MONTHS, not just several DAYS! 

And more than the pictures, we will have so many sweet memories and fun times! My husband Craig (aka Father Goose) is pretty excited too! 

Did I mention- 5 kids (Abigail + Nathan, and my sister's 3) all 5 years old and under?! Oh! And we are watching them for a week while my sister and her hubby go away for a romantic getaway to celebrate their 10 year! EIK!! I have my planner out already and am eager for the keys to her mini-van to run around doing fun-tivities allll that week!

Lastly on our Big Thangs list-

Craig and I have started the process of raising support to do CWTrials full-time as missionaries to New England. It's not just about my hottie-hubby riding his bike for kicks- it is S.O. M.U.C.H. more than that! It's about sharing the Gospel. 

God has burdened our hearts to disciple and train up leaders who can better minister in their communities. Our mission field is our community. Our city. Our great state of NH which is in desperate need of knowing what a relationship with Jesus looks like. 

To learn more, check out our website www.cwtrials.com

My Rock

I am not the perfect wife.

Nor the perfect mother. Or sister, or daughter, or friend, or Christian. 

I stopped striving to be the "perfect _____"

It's so exhausting to constantly be focusing on ME all the time, how I can be better, do better, who is doing it better and how I need to be like them.

I do have a role model in the Proverbs 31 woman. 

She takes care of others. She cares for her FAMILY and for the seamingly lowly people.

Her husband calls her blessed and HE himself is respected by people.

I have this life-partner. A BEST friend. Someone I can confide in, laugh with, cry with, PRAY with and enjoy playing with our kids. He is my greatest encourager. He is my husband. My very own knight in shining armor.

I think about him all day, every day and I truly miss him when he is at work and jokingly say he could never work from home because I would just want to spend time with him ALL DAY.

I loooooove him. (sometimes I don't like him, but even then I choose to love him.... but about 99% of the time I REALLY like him!) 

I don't have it all together and he sees that. Maybe even better than I can see it myself.

Can I be honest? I do try to maintain the house during the day but I often let the dishes pile up. About 15 mins before he gets home I run over to that sink and clean them all up in a flash! (...most of the time...) that is my "I feel like I actually got something done today", even if I did vacuum, sweep and do 3 loads of laundry- but you would never guess because of the crumbs on the floor and giant pile of laundry. 

I am blessed to have a man who loves me so well because he understands Christ's love. He doesn't put me down and say "what did you do all day" when the house is spilling with toys and crumbs.

I am a Momma who would rather be on the floor, making a mess of those toys with the kids than yelling at them or stressing to constantly be cleaning up everything behind them.All.Day.Long. 

But my kids aren't my main priority. Don't get me wrong! They ARE my priority and I strive to live each day intentionally loving them and raising them up in Christ's love. But my husband is my other priority. THE main priority. As in, he comes (our relationship) BEFORE our kids. Or our jobs. Or our ministry. Or our church. Or our friends. Or our To-Do list.
I want my husband to know and feel SO loved! SO encouraged. I want him to be as eager to come home as we are for him to come home. I want our home to be a place of peace (as much as I can control it) so that when he walks in that door our world stops and we cheer that Daddy is home!! 

 

We are some of the silliest people I know!

Ugh, what a blessing!? I don't take this man for granted. Not.One.Bit. I adore him. I LOOOOVE HIM. I respect him and I encourage him. I am his #1 fan and I will fight for him. I do battle for him. Every day- in prayer. And we have gone through a lot in our 2 years of marriage. We have struggled, battled financial hardships, health issues, depression, BIG fears, broken pasts and the list goes on. We are messy sinners who have to be washed clean DAILY by Jesus. I can promise you that our marriage wouldn't be like this if we didn't both love Jesus.

Can I emphasis that we DON'T have it all together? Each day is new, and we love each other. We play on the same team, working together, building each other up and learning how to do this thing called life together. We find new hope each day in Christ, spending time in His Word and in prayer. Being committed to our Lord enables us to be more committed to each other.
Craig, I love you.

Church. Really- it's about leaving a church.

You may have read this blog title knowing that my husband and I recently left the church we had been involved with for the past 3 years. Maybe you want all the juicy details. The gossip. The drama. I pray your sweet spirit is not looking for that. You will not find it here. I have seen too many families leave churches on a bad note. Hurting their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as they shoot a quick e-mail letting the staff know that that they will not be serving at church the next day. I have been that person to help clean up the mess they have left behind, to feel hurt, degected and awkward when I run into them, wondering if they hate me too because of the way they left. 

This is not about why we left our church. It is about how. 

First off, leaving a church is not easy. Especially when you aren't leaving for a "reason". You don't like the preaching style. You are angry about the way the church spends money. You have a funny feeling. They talk about Jesus too much. Their coffee is gross. 

Hey, I get you. I have been to churchs that have gross coffee. Or no childcare. Or use flashy lights that make me dizzy.

However, these are not reasons to leave a church. 

My husband and I started praying about church, our family and ministry. We were simply praying to have more sensitive ears to hear God and a sensitive heart to feel His direction. We were not praying about or planning on leaving our church. That is the beauty of it. We could truly see the evidence of God transforming our hearts and redirecting our ministry focus. 

Our "plan" was to finish our last week of serving in Sunday School by the end of December 2010. We gave the Kids Ministry Director a month notice to let her know where our family was heading and to help her look for replacements. Shortly after that, my husband met with the pastor to let him know what God had put on our hearts. 

Having gone through the pain of experiencing people, and not just anyone- fellow leaders and sojourners in planting this church, leave on a bad note, only causing division and hardship for their brothers and sisters in Christ, we made every effort to leave on a "good note". We bought children's Bibles for the Kids Ministry to be given to children who did not have a Bible at home. We thought of it as a parting gift. It was a need that our church had and it was one way that we could show our love and support for the church and staff as our family moved on.

Not everyone takes a family leaving a church well. We left knowing that not everyone understood our heart and reasons for leaving. Even now, 3 months later, when people learn that we are no longer attending that church, they gasp and ask why. As if they are anticipating a horror story. Waiting to hear the drama. Why can't leaving a church be seen as a move of the Holy Spirit in our hearts? God does not always call us to one place for our whole life, we often experience things during seasons in our life. My husband and I were single when we started going to the church and left married with children. Our life had changed drastically. And our hearts did too. Our relationship with the LORD had only grown deeper and been strengthened during the trials we faced in 2010 and during that time we set aside to stop serving for a season and seek the LORD's direction for our family.

So why did we leave our church? Are you ready for this? Go ahead and gasp! Let that anticipation fill, but don't let your sin-natured mind wander too far. We left because we felt called to. God has been moving in our hearts and lives for the past 7 months or so since we first felt His calling to start CWTrials- an extreme biking ministry dedicated to sharing the Gospel. That's it. No "big deal". But really, it was. Our leaving the church was an act of obedience to the LORD. It wasn't because what they were doing was bad, I often think of obedience as turning from something that was bad. This was not the case. Our obedience was listening to God and in Faith, turning our focus and attention onto what He laid before us. Can I tell you something- God has richly blessed us because of our obedience. Not solely based on us leaving the church, but creating a habit of obedience in our everyday lives.

Where God brought us is a perfect fit for our family, our ministry, our marriage, our gifts and talents. That is another story. THIS story was about obedience. And how to leave a church on a "good note", out of obedience unto the LORD, showing love to our brothers and sisters in Christ.